Проверьте небольшой набросок эссе на английском, пожалуйста | Мой уровень - А2

In our century we have so many technologies. Ну ок.
These times we are surrounded by technology.

First, it’s a computer. Дальше что-то не видно перечислений других технологий, зачем First?
Computers for instance.

The computer helps to solve many questions Почему The? Он у нас один на всех?

like learning some things, Очень коряво. Почему learning things - это solve questions?

listening music, Где предлог to?

counting so on. Что это, Бэрримор?
Computers help us accomplish many of our everyday things, from listening to music to performing complex computations.

One of these things exist video games. При чем здесь exist? И зачем далее выстраивать охренительный ряд learning things = solve questions = video games через это these things?
One of these things are video games.

I think video games really eat our time and make us more nervous. eat не употребляется в этом значении.
Even though they may be pretty entertaining, in my opinion computer games consume a lot of our time and also may make us nervous.

Of course, I didn’t mean logical games. Ну ок.

First argument is about my own life. argument - это спор, ссора.
Let's see an example from my past.

I’ve been meeting with computer since second grade, У тебя компьютер вместо бабы был или вместо доктора? Нафига ты с ним периодически встречался?

was playing in flash-games like simple platformers, 3D shooters, tower defenses and I really enjoyed it. В свете вышесказанного - кто из вас этим всем занимался, извращенцы?
I started playing computer games at my second grade.

I played a lot, forgot about studying and my grades went down. Ну ок.

Likewise, I took a lot of time. О чем это вообще? Чье время ты занял и почему?
Even though the games were very simple, I got pretty addicted to them and as a result had no time for studies.

Understanding came in ninth grade and I gave up video games. Ну пусть будет ок.

Second argument is a story about one man from news. Опять argument.
The second example is a story I once heard in the news.

>He was playing CS GO so often that when he had opened a door he wanted to throw a grenade like in game. Я бы поспорил с употреблением всех этих времен, но уже устал и не буду.

This game was like a first life for him. Что такое a first life? Я фраппирован.
There was a man who got himself so much involved in a FPS game, that he would play throwing a grenade before entering any door in real life.

When I listened it I got За что ты предлог to так ненавидишь-то?

scarry a little because I was eight. И звали тебя ГаРРи, поэтому ты скаРРи.
I was only eight when I heard this, so I imagined a man throwing real grenades everywhere and got pretty scared.

As a result, video games may really become a funnel of time. As a result чего именно?
Ergo, video games may become a real funnel of time.

Be careful with it! Я бы сказал with them, раз уж games.