Лингвистика

Оцените сочинение по английскому. С1 из ЕГЭ

Moscow,
Russia,
10\12\12
Hi, Mike!
I'm so happy to hear from you. Sorry, it took me so much time to answer, but I had some problems at school.
To say the truth, I think a part-time job is important, as it teaches us a lot and gives us extra money. I don't think, that it's difficult to find such job in Russia, but it won't be high-paid. I, myself, don't have a part-time job, as I want to study first. By the way, I would like to have a job connected with language after finishing school. But some of my friends have alredy got it. One is a deliver-boy and one more helps his father in their family company. I think it's cool.
It's such a pity, that you have left your bag in the bus! Was there anything expensive? Do you remember the number of the bus? Are you able to return the bag now?
Please let me know as soon as you can.
All the best,
Yours,
...
RD
Rustam Dostay
4 157
Сочинение написано не плохо! Единственно я поправил бы некоторые моменты, что и сделал в тексте.
1. To tell you the truth вместо to say the truth, так как все-таки второй вариант считается классическим клише.
2. Переправил as it can teach us to do a lot of different things вместо as it teaches us a lot - все таки она может нас научить, но не всегда учит
3. В этом же предложении us во втором случае убрал, т. к. два раза не повторяется
4. well-paid job
5. I, myself - слишком по русски, лучше вводное клише - as for me - что касается меня
6. as I want to study first. - И все-таки было бы лучше - as i want to get education first
7. не просто with language after finishing school, а with foreign languages
8. One is a deliver-boy and one more helps his father in their family company. and the second helps....
9. Are you able to return the bag now? Не пойму смысла в контексте.
10. Already
А так даже очень не плохо. Употребляй больше вводных слов, например: beyond any shadow of doubt, in my opinion, to my mind, it seems to me, to crown it all....

Moscow,
Russia,
10\12\12
Hi, Mike!
I'm so happy to hear from you. Sorry, it took me so much time to answer, but I had some problems at school.
To tell you the truth, I think a part-time job is important, as it can teach us to do a lot of different things and gives extra money. I don't think, that it's difficult to find such job in Russia, but it won't be well-paid. As for me, I don't have a part-time job, as I want to get education first. By the way, I would like to have a job connected with foreign languages after finishing school. But some of my friends have already got it. One is a deliver-boy and the second helps his father in their family company. I think it's cool.
It's a pity, that you have left your bag in the bus! Was there anything expensive? Do you remember the number of the bus? Are you able to return the bag now?
Please let me know as soon as you can.
All the best,
Yours
ВП
Вадим Пасько
822
Лучший ответ
Rustam Dostay Спасибо большое. Приму к сведению.
deliver-boy =.> delivery boy
Will you be able to find your bag? (... to get it back)
K. N.
K. N.
43 004
Rustam Dostay Мне как раз наоборот всё сказали.
Мол, ответ не такой уж и хороший, логической последовательности нет, абзацы неправильные, вводных слов мало, грамматических ошибок 3-4 штуки.
А самое интересное, что они придрались далеко не к тому, что пишется *delivery boy* вместо *deliver-boy*. Из всего текста мне зачеркнули фразу *It's such a pity*, убеждая, что такой не существует, *Are you able to* заменили на *Can*, убрали *first* из фразы *I want to study first*, аргументируя это тем, что так не говорят. Никокого альтернативного написания они, правда, тоже не предложили.
Итого: у меня из 6 возможных баллов за задание всего 3.
Никаких объяснений, типа почему по их мнению нет логической последовательности (хотя писал я по плану, предложенному в той же самой работе), с чего у меня вдруг неправильные абзацы и где тут 4 ошибки, мне так и не сказали.
Хороший комментарий, но учти если ты все заделаешь под глянец, тебе не поверят
Are you able to return the bag now - It would be better to write: Is it possible to return the bag now, потому что возможность вернуть сумку зависит не от него