Английский язык. Помогите со стилистикой пожалуйста.

Сыну 14 лет, он написал две песни для своей группы. Под музыку звучит красиво. Если вам не сложно, проверьте пожалуйста с точки зрения стилистики английской речи. Не звучит ли это для человека свободно говорящего на английском, как "Моя твоя не понимай! "

1. Just imagine...

I'm sitting near the window
Imagining the perfect future
Without an evil people
Where everybody helps each other
Where nobody take more than he needs
Where people enjoy their lifestyle
Where dominates love and peace
About that world I dream all my lifetime

But even if you made mistake
Don't let the sadness fill your mind
You better rise your head up
Cause everything is gonna be all right

And maybe it's just a dream
But what i want to repeat
Together we can
Start everything from a new shit
But noone want to open door
In the new, full of surprises world
So why are people waiting for
To old system accustomed everyone

But even if you made mistake
Don't let the sadness fill your mind
You better rise your head up
Cause everything is gonna be all right

I'm sitting near the window
Looking at an empty street
But stop, there's a walkman
He smiles to me and continues his trip
I'm rising up i'm ready
I want to take with me my friends
And everybody standing
Together we will break that evil system

But even if you made mistake
Don't let the sadness fill your mind
You better rise your head up
Cause everything is gonna be all right

*************************************

2. Melancholy

Sun shines through a little whole
In a giant unbreakable wall
Hear the sound of desperate man
Who tries to leave this sinful land
They sit in local jail in their rooms
They eat a solid stinky untasty foods
They make many plans every single day
About how to leave this devil's place

When the sun rises
Their hearts are turning black
When the sun rises
Feel sick and never be back
But sometimes
When the prisoner thinks about sweet home
In the deep places of mind
Rises little but confident hope

Many of them already lost the faith
But Someone still prays for The God's grace
For someone it's just killing of time
Beside working in factories either in mines
The soul suffers, the soul bleeds
And there's no way how to heal the disease
Only that one who regrets about criminal living
Can be listened and be forgiven

When the sun rises
Their hearts are turning black
When the sun rises
Feel sick and never be back
But sometimes
When the prisoner thinks about sweet home
In the deep places of mind
Rises little but confident hope

When the sun rises
Their hearts are turning black
When the sun rises
Feel sick and never be back
But sometimes
When the prisoner thinks about sweet home
In the deep places of mind
Rises little but confident hope