на английском..народ, напишите анекдот если вы владеете языком..

A well-stacked young advertising secretary wore tight knit dresses that showed off her figure, especially when she walked. Her young, aggressive boss motioned her into his office one afternoon and closed the door. Pointing to her tightly covered derriere, he asked, "Is that for sale?" "Of course not!" she snapped angrily, flushing furiously. Unchanged, he replied quietly, "Then, I suggest you quit advertising it."

A teacher asks a pupil, "What's the nation's capital?" "Washington, D.C." "And what does 'D.C.' stand for?" "Dot com!"

The only things some husbands and wives have in common is that they were married on the same day.

"What happened?" asked the hospital visitor to the heavily bandaged man sitting up in bed. "Well, we went to Six Flags and decided to ride the roller coaster. As we came up to the top of the highest loop, I noticed a little sign by the side of the track. I tried to read it, but it was very small, and I couldn't make it out. I was so curious that I decided to go round again, but we went by so quickly that I still couldn't see what the sign said. By now, I was determined to read that sign so I went round a third time. As we reached the top, I stood up in the car to get a better view." "And did you manage to see what the sign said this time?" asked the visitor.
"Yes," he said sheepishly, "Remain seated at all times!"

If you do what you have always done, you are liable to get what you have always gotten.

When does a man think about a candlelight dinner? When the power goes off.

When a man opens the car door for his wife, either the car or the wife is new.

A loud scream comes from the bedroom and the husband runs in. He sees a guy leaping out of the window. His wife yells, "That guy just fucked me twice!"
He says, "Twice? Why didn't you call me in after he fucked you once?" She says, "Because I thought it was you -- until he started the second time."

The tourist, on vacation in Malta, was appalled by the island's chaotic traffic and asked the hotelkeeper why it was so disorderly. "In some countries they drive on the right, in others on the left," explained the hotelier. "Here we drive in the shade."

I am a pretty decisive person, I think.

What advice do you not want to hear from a doctor before an operation? "Whatever you do, don't go into the light."

I'd rather die living than live dying.

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

Junk mail and bills travel at three times the speed of love letters and checks.

Nostalgia is like a grammar lesson. You find the present tense and the past perfect.

Some people kiss with their eyes closed and get married the same way.

A recent survey was conducted to discover why men get out of bed in the middle of the night:
5% said it was to get a glass of water.
12% said it was to go to the toilet.
83% said it was to go home.

Doctors at the local hospital go on strike. Hospital officials say as soon as they can get a pharmacist over there to read the picket signs, they will respond to the doctors' demands.

Not all men are annoying, some are dead.

It's not the size that coun... no wait, it's the size!

A woman's favorite position is CEO

Okay, Okay, I take it back! UnFuck you!

Блин !!!Я думал, что знаю английский ...((((

There's a guy and girl in a car and they're getting it on big time. The girl leans over and says, "Kiss me where it's wet and stinky." So he drives her up to Aberdeen.

(Aberdeen is a city, port, and industrial center in northeastern Scotland)

A women went to the doctor and said "I broke my leg in two places." The Doctor says, "Stop going to those places...
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A blone a brunette and a red head are stranded on a desert isaland.
There happens to be a magic mirror on the island. and if you tell the truth you get to escape from The island and if you tell a lie you vanish!
So the brunette gets up there and says "i think im pretty"... she vanishes!
The red head goes up and says "i think im pretty"... she vanishes too!
The blonde goes up and says "i think"... she vanishes :)
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A penguin walks into the shop and says have you got any apples and the shop keeper says no.
The next day he goes in again and asks for some apples, the shop keeper says no.
The next day he goes in again and asks the same thing and the shop keeper says no, if you come in one more time and ask me for sum apples, i will nail your feet to the floor!!
The next day the penguin goes back in the shop and says " have you got any nails" The shop keeper says no so the penguin says " well can I have some grapes then" !!

Mummy why can not I go swimming in the sea? Мама, почему я не могу плавать в море?
Because there are sharks in the sea. Потому что в море акулы.
But Mummy, Daddy is swimming in the sea. Но мамочка, папа ведь плавает.
That is different he is insured. Папа это другое дело. Он застрахован.

If a man is talking, alone, in a forest, with no woman there to hear him, is he still wrong?
Если мужчина разговаривает один в лесу, и ни одна женщина не слышит его, неужели он всё так же неправ?